If sin was a river

    Greetings one and all! I just wish I could get my life sorted out, but I know that I really need help on High to do that. God can fix my messes if I ask Him. Although, there are plenty of times when we may make a mess, where we are too embarrassed to seek help and would rather try to clean it up ourselves. Yet, all too often we are faced with our own weaknesses and limitations. We can do nothing without Christ. I'm learning this fact over and over again it seems.
    I think I mentioned in my year-in review that God seems to have been removing  people from my life recently. And naturally I lost contact with a lot of people I knew from college and some friends from even earlier days, so my close relationships have shrunk quite a bit. At this age it's even getting harder to make real friends, for most people are already settled in their lives. For some reason, I still retain hopes of renewing some of my friendships that didn't end well. I thought time would heal whatever happened in the past to destroy these bonds of friendship, but so far that doesn't seem possible. My best friend from Elementary and Middle School, who got mad at me and stopped being friends years ago, is now working at our local library. I have had to go there a few times for my student and each time I saw and interacted with this very old friend (The friendship, not the friend). However, it's surprisingly hard to know where to pick up old friendships, especially when they ended on such a bad note; not simply losing touch.
    Yet, that possibility of renewed friendship is not what is forefront in my mind at the moment. The friend I officially lost last year, through a somewhat slow process I admit, is about to get married. In fact, I was with her through a lot of relational issues working up to this point. I realize that it would be so much easier for me to move past this broken relationship if I didn't live so close to her family, some mutual friends, and herself. Well, they did send my family an invitation to the wedding, so I immediately worked up enough courage to attempt to call her. I knew I could not attend this wedding with this painful situation over my head. She wasn't at home, so later that evening I decided to send her a message through Facebook instead of trying to talk to her over the phone again. I'm a wimp with some things, and I didn't have enough courage to call her more than once. The reason I keep saying it takes courage, is because I would have to confront her about her anger, when she might still harbor some of those feelings towards me. Anger makes a person rather unreasonable to talk to. Well, she did actually give me a short reply to my message (which was just asking again what I did to cause this conflict and that we can still try to reconcile our relationship, but I can't go to her wedding until we can actually talk to each other). However, her reply still didn't answer my "why?" question and it was easy to tell that she still couldn't forgive me, much less tell me, about what I did to offend her. She ended with, "we're praying for you." But I don't think those words should ever be said without sincerity and love. In my replies (which she will probably ignore... why break a precedent?), I gave her an idea of the type of prayer I have been trying to pray. A prayer that has the healing of a broken relationship at the heart and not focusing on "make her see where she is wrong." In other words, a more humble approach. To be honest, I do have some of that selfishness in my prayers at times, but I want God to change my heart so I don't let that mindset seep in. I long to sees others the way God sees them and to truly understand where I go wrong. This is the main question which my lost friend blatantly ignored. I guess we have many unanswered questions in this life...
    Okay, switching gears a bit, I'd like to talk about my new penpal friend. I joined Christian penpals and sent a few messages to interesting and friendly sounding Christians in the US. Well, I received a couple replies and have started correspondence the old fashioned way :) Of course, it is certainly teaching me patience, but they seem nice and I need a good friend... 

    Lastly, I want to say that my little brother was inspired one night to write a song for God. He's a little musician :) I really got into it and even added a verse of my own. I haven't had such exciting and happy times for a while.

If Sin Was a River

Verse 1:

This is a song on how it’s hard to reach the Holy Son

And if you want to make a song I’m sure you’ll think of one.

Chorus:

If sin was a river and you tried to stay afloat

The only way to stay alive is boarding Christ’s good boat.

Verse 2:

For if you did let go, and try it on your own

You’d get dragged down, and surely drown, get crushed right to the bone.

Chorus

10 seconds Instrumental…

Bridge:

And it’s hard to reach that boat, but he’ll help you on your way

And row you to an island where I’m sure you’ll surely stay

Chorus

Verse 3:

The boat is not that pretty and not that fast, that too

But you are looking for the man who’d give His life for you

Chorus

Verse 4:

When storms arise as they surely will; Seek refuge in His arms

Accept this gift of grace and love and He’ll keep you from all harm

Chorus

Verse 5:

This I think is the last verse of this tiny song of mine

So have some dreams about the lord that could be great! Divine!

And if you know a person, or maybe 3 or 2

That does not know the Christ our Lord, make him sing this to you.

Chorus

Repeat last line of chorus 2 times

 

    Fare-thee-well my fellow travelers!

Colossians 3:23-24

         Believe it or not, I have never been on a Ferris Wheel before. I went for the first time last year (age 25). The reason for this treat was as a last opportunity to spend some valuable time with certain relatives before they get shipped off to Latvia. My cousin got accepted for a job in Latvia that is expected to last around 3 years, so he packed up his large family of 6 young kids and wife, and is currently living in that exotic place. Okay, maybe it's not that exotic, but I sure do miss his adorable children. Ages range from 2 years to 10 and they are the most captivating and sweet kids I have ever known (aside from my little brother; he was quite a cute kid at one point :) ). Well, I do have plans to visit them in Latvia this coming June as an extension to my education abroad trip touring the British Isles. I am very excited for that opportunity because I can't bare the thought of seeing all of them 3 years older. At their ages, 3 years makes a world of difference. The picture below was taken of one of my second cousins riding on the Ferris Wheel. See how sweet she looks?
 

 Colossians 3:23-24

"whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

        Well, this past week not much has happened, except that I unfortunately continued in my fruitless search for friends online. This week, I am determined not to give into that particular temptation and to rather try and join outside activities or events going on. The only problem I keep running into is my shyness/introvertedness. This part of me is constantly thinking up lame excuses to avoid meeting strangers or interacting with others. Then I need to ask myself, what am I afraid of? The worst that could happen is that they don't like me, and then I move on. But believe me, this is a struggle hard to overcome. I feel like I need help, but at the moment I don't seem to have anyone. But isn't that what God does to reach you? He removes everyone from your path so you have no choice but to focus on the one relationship that will last? The last couple sermons I went to seemed to hit me right where I am; covering our everyday idolatry and God's infinite love and grace. Especially grace. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, always expecting different results. According to that definition I'm pretty sure I'm not quite right in the head. This is why we need to always remember to give thanks for God's abounding grace and mercy. He gives us what we don't deserve and delivers us from what we do deserve. This week's theme will be from Colossians 3:23-24 to give me both hope and motivation to carry on. My motivation has dwindled a lot this past couple years, along with growing loneliness and dejection. The only One who can pick me up and help me start anew is Christ.
        Okay, I apologize for that depressing strain. Now let us turn to happier thoughts (though, nothing is happier than remembering Jesus and what He did for us). His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life :) I don't know how happy this is, but my four students are taking their semester exams this week. I pray that they all do well. My one student in OSS may end up switching schools, and since his experience this year has not been very good, that may be a wiser decision educationally-speaking. They are all great kids and I certainly want the best for them. I feel completely as a teacher should :)
        Oh! And my little brother suggested renting Home yesterday so we went out and got in on Redbox. We all absolutely loved it. There are definitely some very powerful movies out there, not ones with needless violence, sex, or language (instant turn-off to me), but ones with sacrifice and 'true' love. It's rather encouraging in this generation. Have a wonderful week, my friends!

My Personal Year-in Review

        Well, another year has gone by... I think I will have to do my year-in review, though it won't be as good as Dave Barry's, nor as political minded. I would say that last year was one of the toughest I have had to wade through. I lost both my grandmother (by far, the most painful ordeal I have yet had to go through) and my childhood friend. We made our Christmas card in tribute to my grandmother's memory. This is a close-up shot from our card, just welcoming her home for Christmas.

I have spent several summers solely taking care of her and I would read and talk to her often. I loved her very much and will never stop missing her, but at least I may see her again in Heaven, with God. One of my favorite memories of time spent with her is a few years ago, reading a Victoria Holt book aloud (very well-written Gothic Romance novel). We would both be drawn into that world, commenting on it and enjoying it to it's fullest extent. I just had no one to whom I could really grieve, because my mom was obviously feeling it much more acutely than I could since it was her mother. And this is the first time I ever lost a loved one. God has, as always, been gracious to me, and has spared me anything worse than losing a grandmother who was almost 97 years old. Everyone has to die eventually, so it was her time, but I guess I just don't deal with death too well.
        All throughout this terribly painful time for us, I was also have issues with my childhood friend. Well, to be strictly accurate, they probably began years ago and I was too dense to see them. I thought everything was fine. But there was a definite pattern. I did almost all the initiating in this relationship and I was starting to feel hurt, to feel as if she didn't really care. Well, I made the mistake of telling her about this feeling a little over a year ago, and she  started getting defensive and feeling anger towards me, while at the same time saying she still loved me. Long story short, that episode ended up getting resolved somewhat, when we agreed to meet in a 'neutral' place with a 'mediator.' That meeting was a huge disaster, and I had a distinct feeling it would be since she didn't feel comfortable just having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with me. It transpired that all her 'neglectful' tendencies towards me were a result of her dislike of my mom. Okay, that would certainly strain a relationship. My mom? Seriously? But somehow, I forget exactly how, we decided to try to get back to the way things were. Well, the whole thing sorta happened again several months ago, except with a few changes. We didn't end up meeting, even in the 'neutral zone', and she simply chose to ignore all my efforts to work things out. I just felt abandoned and confused after all of this. And there's not really anyone I can talk to concerning my old friend.
        So, I think it was mainly as a result of losing these two very important people in my life, that I suddenly jumped into trying to find a match online. However, I have firmly decided that I don't want to pay for any system, because there is no guarantee. And most people online seem rather superficial. I want to find someone who cares more about who I am inside than out; though, I understand that physical attraction is key too. I am also just looking for a friend who isn't too busy to talk or spend time with me. It's partially my age and partially my losses that I feel this lonely. I need to constantly remind myself that life is not all about finding Mr. Right, but rather about glorifying God and enjoying Him forever. So I shall be as patient as I can and perhaps join some hiking meetups :)

Those are the main and most significant events (in my life) from 2015, so I welcome with relief 2016! I'll talk more about world issues later...